Change. The Big Bang of My World.


It’s been four years. Four long years since my last entry. I can tell here and now this one you’re reading will be quite different from the previous ones I’ve wrote—because change happens. Change is part of life. Change is every damn day. But I have had the big bang version in my life.

I’ve gone through my entries here and I realized most of my entries were raw, personal, came from a place in my heart — that dark place where I was lonely, sad, miserable, and insecure… that place where a person’s inner demons hide. And I had a whole bunch of them. The dominant ones were fear and anger. I don’t miss this place in me and my journey these past four years have erased the map in my brain which leads me to it. I’ve learned to explore other corners of my existence – places in me where happiness, joy, abundance reside.

Let’s back track a bit.

When I frequently wrote in this blog, I was still studying my major in communications and there was a time when I had been working. As of date, I am on a summer break from law school. The in-betweens from that to this point in my life? That is my big bang. That explosion of choices that have transformed me from a jaded, cynical, angry young adult to a person who lives each day with the curiosity and anticipation of a child. Regression? Nope. I’d like to believe that I am on the right path. My current life, the one I choose to live, shows me so much beauty in the world and so much life.

Let me admit something. Before this big bang, I had been living in the shadows of my dreams. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid to put myself on the spotlight, to be so seen, to be so visible… to stand there so vulnerable. I was afraid to fail. Today, whenever I get the itch to turn around and run, I take a deep breath and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I move forward. I take that leap of faith. And should I fall flat on my face, I get up and sprinkle some pixie dust on my bruised ego and give it another go. Don’t get me wrong, I am not unafraid. I am simply choosing to not let fear take my flight away from me.

What is this big bang? Truth be told, it wasn’t an explosive experience. And no, there was no eureka moment for me. Instead, it was a series of quiet moments that lead me to reassess my life, my heart, and my desires. It was a series of days that turned to weeks and then to months and then to years. It was a series of events and people which ultimately lead me to ask myself, hard and without mercy, if the life I had been living is enough for me. And every day and with every person I met or read about who were exploring places outside their comfort zones and were living boldly, I realized my answer was a dull, aching, never easing away NO. I wanted more. I, and to quote some terms best associated with Grey’s Anatomy, I wanted to be bright and shiny. I no longer wanted to be dark and twisty. I wanted to resonate happiness- to be an echo of what is good in the world.

So day by day, I struggled to be that bright and shiny type of person. I won’t lie. It’s a day by day commitment. I didn’t just wake up one day and decided to change my life. For me, it was more of waking up day by day and choosing to put color to my blank canvas. I took risks. I took chances. I pursued what I wanted.

Whenever I got scared, I made it a point to face it – whatever my fear was- head on. Come hell or high water. And that jumpstarted my feet to the path I am on. I made it a point, a ground rule of my existence, to take the same course of action whenever I was scared—which is to do my absolute best in everything I do and if it doesn’t work the first time- to do even more the next. I made this course of action to build a habit- to instill this choice as instinct. And as cheeseballs as it may sound, I resorted to listening to motivational speeches. I combed YouTube for motivation videos. And it helped. Because there are down times. Times when you feel sad, angry, and resentful. So it helped me to be reminded. It bears stressing that oftentimes, these videos were my major source of reminder because this part of the journey, this painful transition, I found myself mostly on my own. Trapped inside my mind. With the light and dark of my thoughts.

As of date, I am still a work in progress. I still have my downtime. Moments where negativity takes a hold of me. But these moments don’t last very long anymore because as time passes I realized I am stronger than I thought; and every day I become a bit stronger than I was the day before. It’s amazing what a change of perspective does. And in sum, that is the big bang of the change in my life. Forget the glass which is half full or half empty. Let go of that damn glass. There’s a whole ocean to explore.

Warmth from this side of the world to yours,

Summer

Blogs


Blog.  

While most blogs are in existent because their owners want to advocate a certain cause, or earn extra income perhaps, or even to simply bring traffic to another site they own; this blog strives to do none of the three. Like what one friend said, this blog is an ‘online’ version of my diary for all the world to see, read, scrutinize and piss at. 

 

This blog does not aim to advocate a ‘humanitarian’ cause but rather seeks to tell a story of one ‘human’. I share my mundane days, my ranting, my joys and my dreams in hopes that somewhere out there (like the song) someone will realize that he / she is not alone in whatever it is that he / she may be feeling or going through. 

 

They say that technology should bring people together. Well, here is my contribution. I write of my life (no matter how insignificant the details may seem to some) because I want to build a connection with random people who may be just like me– a person who simply wants to share her story, perhaps, add her book to the massive library of this world. 

 

If you key in blog in Google, you get so many hits that the numbers drive you mad. But, speaking for myself, of all the free blogs out there, WordPress is by far the best.

Not only do you get a varied selection of themes for your blog, you can also see your stats. (By that I mean, you see which site sent you traffic and how many views you got for the day / week / month… plus you also get to see what keywords a person may have used to get to your blog.

For a person who is simply trying to share her story, such as myself, this is very useful in trying to get an idea on how to better reach your audience (and if your blog is for income or advocacy, this is very useful). WordPress is also very easy to use and there is a lot one can already do without upgrading to a premium account.

And yeah, I forgot to mention, Widgets… you get to choose from a lot too. With WordPress, customization to make your blog reflect your thoughts is no problem at all.

 

Massive library..

Blogs.

Top 10 Blogging Platforms

Here is my submission to this library.

My name is Summer. Nice to have had shared thoughts with you.

With Nothing– Everything is Possible


I’m struggling with questions that make me doubt– myself. And that is a bad thing, I guess. But right now, as I write, I get the feeling that it is a good thing. Without a concrete plan in my mind, with only pure desire in my heart to better myself, anything is possible. God can make the road with his infinite Wisdom, without my very human biases and fears.

Break


Listening to music as it goes… “There’s a fire starting in my heart..,” And the pain in my heart dulls and I breathe a tad bit easier.

I sit here remembering and the memories come flooding and yet I have never been so separated from the past as I am now. The memories remained as they are– mere memories…  the pain is there and yet it does not hammer me anymore.

“Let the dead bury the dead.”

And I have. The past is past; it has long gone. I have lived long enough looking behind me. Now is the time to move forward.

Now is the time to dream… To take steps into the unknown. The journey to somewhere has now begun.

————————————————————————————————————————

The Coffee Wait


They say that patience is a virtue and the people who have known me since childhood always tell me that in that aspect, I am not virtuous. I am undeniably impatient and waiting is something I really am bad at. I get all moody and being very irate that I was, waiting made dealing with me impossible. It was as if waiting took the logic out of the equation in my brain.

But as the years go by, I have learned to wait for some things. However, waiting for a specific time or person to arrive is something that, I would have to admit, makes my skin crawl. 15 minutes seems like a year and an hour seems feels like forever to me.

But love makes me a different person, I guess. It’s been hours since I arrived here… in the coffee shop outside where she works… and surprisingly, I’m still here and I don’t feel like shooting someone in the head yet. Or biting someone’s head off.

I guess I’m sounding so domesticated… hmmm.

The Long Wait


Past 30 minutes after 12 midnight– I write as a feeling of loneliness comes creeping in. The room seems eerily empty. The sounds of the night seem distant, as though they were fading away… I write as the feeling mercilessly takes me apart piece by piece.. and second after second, a piece of me comes undone.

I wonder how long this feeling will linger and if I will come undone before the clock strikes 1. I wonder and the pain strikes; and something inside me screams and yet my lips are sealed.. no sound comes out. Only the silence inside me breaks.

The notes drone on and on.. my ears bleed. I write waiting. For a sign. For mercy. For love. For life. For release. I light another cigarette and take a long drag… the smoke filling me up with poison. Poison I don’t need. Poison that heals a broken piece in me.

I look up and check the clock. 49 minutes past 1 AM. I made it– barely. My mind breaks. Another long puff– poison. I wish I had a bottle of beer or whiskey.

Then comes– 20 minutes to 2 AM. The pieces come together. Minutes,minutes, minutes drag on and on. I wait. I wait. For you to come home… And bring back that piece of me that kept me together— that piece of me that I gave to you..

A Second Hello to WordPress.


Okay. So it’s been a considerably long time since I wrote. To be honest, I had wanted to delete this blog. To be more honest, I did try. Somehow, even days after clicking the delete button— I have yet to receive the confirmation email. I cannot explain why this is so. I even tried checking the spam folder but still to no avail.

So I write. And as I read my previous posts, I realized that the felt need to delete this blog came from the desire to start fresh. I realized that I had wanted to put the angry, hurt, confused, and stressed out side of me behind me. I also realized that I don’t feel the need to anymore. My past will always be my past. And the sides of me that I wanted to delete will always be a part of me and that these parts are not something to be ashamed of but are merely proof that I am human: that I can whine, I can cry, I can feel and be tired.

So here I am being very human again— feeling, thinking, weighing things and making decisions. I write to say that I am a better person because I whined, cried, fell, made a whole lot of mistakes, and chose to be better.

So dear reader, welcome again.