It’s been four years. Four long years since my last entry. I can tell here and now this one you’re reading will be quite different from the previous ones I’ve wrote—because change happens. Change is part of life. Change is every damn day. But I have had the big bang version in my life.
I’ve gone through my entries here and I realized most of my entries were raw, personal, came from a place in my heart — that dark place where I was lonely, sad, miserable, and insecure… that place where a person’s inner demons hide. And I had a whole bunch of them. The dominant ones were fear and anger. I don’t miss this place in me and my journey these past four years have erased the map in my brain which leads me to it. I’ve learned to explore other corners of my existence – places in me where happiness, joy, abundance reside.
Let’s back track a bit.
When I frequently wrote in this blog, I was still studying my major in communications and there was a time when I had been working. As of date, I am on a summer break from law school. The in-betweens from that to this point in my life? That is my big bang. That explosion of choices that have transformed me from a jaded, cynical, angry young adult to a person who lives each day with the curiosity and anticipation of a child. Regression? Nope. I’d like to believe that I am on the right path. My current life, the one I choose to live, shows me so much beauty in the world and so much life.
Let me admit something. Before this big bang, I had been living in the shadows of my dreams. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid to put myself on the spotlight, to be so seen, to be so visible… to stand there so vulnerable. I was afraid to fail. Today, whenever I get the itch to turn around and run, I take a deep breath and plant my feet firmly on the ground. I move forward. I take that leap of faith. And should I fall flat on my face, I get up and sprinkle some pixie dust on my bruised ego and give it another go. Don’t get me wrong, I am not unafraid. I am simply choosing to not let fear take my flight away from me.
What is this big bang? Truth be told, it wasn’t an explosive experience. And no, there was no eureka moment for me. Instead, it was a series of quiet moments that lead me to reassess my life, my heart, and my desires. It was a series of days that turned to weeks and then to months and then to years. It was a series of events and people which ultimately lead me to ask myself, hard and without mercy, if the life I had been living is enough for me. And every day and with every person I met or read about who were exploring places outside their comfort zones and were living boldly, I realized my answer was a dull, aching, never easing away NO. I wanted more. I, and to quote some terms best associated with Grey’s Anatomy, I wanted to be bright and shiny. I no longer wanted to be dark and twisty. I wanted to resonate happiness- to be an echo of what is good in the world.
So day by day, I struggled to be that bright and shiny type of person. I won’t lie. It’s a day by day commitment. I didn’t just wake up one day and decided to change my life. For me, it was more of waking up day by day and choosing to put color to my blank canvas. I took risks. I took chances. I pursued what I wanted.
Whenever I got scared, I made it a point to face it – whatever my fear was- head on. Come hell or high water. And that jumpstarted my feet to the path I am on. I made it a point, a ground rule of my existence, to take the same course of action whenever I was scared—which is to do my absolute best in everything I do and if it doesn’t work the first time- to do even more the next. I made this course of action to build a habit- to instill this choice as instinct. And as cheeseballs as it may sound, I resorted to listening to motivational speeches. I combed YouTube for motivation videos. And it helped. Because there are down times. Times when you feel sad, angry, and resentful. So it helped me to be reminded. It bears stressing that oftentimes, these videos were my major source of reminder because this part of the journey, this painful transition, I found myself mostly on my own. Trapped inside my mind. With the light and dark of my thoughts.
As of date, I am still a work in progress. I still have my downtime. Moments where negativity takes a hold of me. But these moments don’t last very long anymore because as time passes I realized I am stronger than I thought; and every day I become a bit stronger than I was the day before. It’s amazing what a change of perspective does. And in sum, that is the big bang of the change in my life. Forget the glass which is half full or half empty. Let go of that damn glass. There’s a whole ocean to explore.
Warmth from this side of the world to yours,